Category: 2013

Ching Chong Chow Meow – 10/10/13

chingchongCarlito is dying coughing tonight.  Carlito commands a Mexican restaurant to remove him from their permanent record.  A bed and breakfast is not interested in someone kissing and touching their dog at their business.  For $12 you can get your dogs holiday pictures without it getting hit by the photographer.  Place your orders for the Violent Dogs coffee table book.

You Must Be The Stupidvisor – 10/4/13


Last week’s Chinese restaurant gets pranked again. Carlito calls a lady at the gas station big, then argues with the Indian owner. Carlito takes off all his clothes when he gets his hair cut. Rude calls to an ISP, churches and pharmacies.

Matt’s new show is on Monday nights at 10PM EST

01:08 – Yelling insulting humor at a stupidvisor.
.. 05:43 – Britney is a piece of work

07:48 – Matty calling sugar tits at the church.
..09:03 – Carlito calls the lying pastor back about Matty.

10:29 – Calling about slaves at the hardware place.

12:42 – Ordering eggs cooked with heat and one bread from the diner.

16:51 – Following up on the shoe wars.
.. 18:00 Calling again to order one shoes.

20:29 Matt calls about help choosing the vitamin shit.

22:32 – Calling the big girl at the big Shell. (Call 1)
.. 24:30 – Calling the Indian at the big Shell to order one gasoline. (Call 2)
.. 26:11 – Calling again to taunt the Indian guy. (Call 3)
.. 01:11:10 – Merp calls the Shell station

28:16 – Tammy at the firm is being rude and nasty. Carlito is screwed up in his head.

31:06 – Matt True Story: Matt Drank His Piss.

32:16 – Carlito wants a table shower at the barber shop before he gets his hair cut.
.. 33:18 – Carlito takes off all his clothes when getting his hair cut.
.. 34:00 – Tell Amanda at another place about taking off all his clothes when he gets his hair washed.
..35:18 – Calling Amanda again and throwing a burrito at her head.

36:15 – Eddie calling maricon to make an order.

46:36 – A lady looking for underpinnins.

50:57 – Renting a living room for a few hours only
.. 55:18 – Matt calls back

01:01:18 – Grout work at the Papa Johns has Carlito coughing to death.

01:09:05 – My name is Merp
.. 01:11:10 – Merp calls the Shell station from earlier

01:16:30 – Calling the gazebo about stupid birds.
.. 01:17:02 – Complaining about the ethnic curse to the old jew.

01:18:47 – Jose has a pretty penis
.. 01:19:28 – Calling back for anyone with a pretty penis
.. 01:20:02 – Zyklon calls again for Carla.

01:21:05 – Looking for extended sizes in chef uniforms
.. 01:23:15 – Calling back about the chef pants after guy hung up

01:30:32 – Hydrocodone is pussy shit for dogs.

01:32:06 – Is Dr. Sosa from Cuba?

01:35:25 – Hung up on by the pharmacy due to coughing
..01:36:24 – Why’d you hang up you little shit?

01:39:45 – Storage locker call
.. 01:41:55 – Connecting the phone doctor to fix Brad Carter’s show
.. 01:43:08 – They both confuse each other

01:46:23 – Jose calls Adult Toy Storage

01:50:40 – I’m ingnorant.
01:51:44 – Cursing and complaining.
01:51:40 – What, huh, hah?

02:05:34 – Dad upset in the background.

02:10:00 – Calling back the Chinese restaurant from last week
.. 02:26:12 – Calling to cancel

02:12:42 – Snoballs and ice cream

02:21:10 – Calling the church about the labia

Horse Machine Ranch Road – 9/30/13

tuong-lu-kimCarlito is complaining about broken a/c and closets. We command the lady at the library reference to create a detailed weather comparison graph. Carlito is instigating a shoe war between competing stores in the same shopping center. Canceling Chinese food orders greatly upsets the chef – Carlito gets away with it twice.

Show Notes:

01:29 – Motherfucking air conditioner is broke, no men are in to fix it.

.. 02:54 – Wife calls back, gets hung up on right away

06:08 – Motherfucking closets, no men are in to fix it.

12:50 – Old Man Matt

14:39 – Christian Rap Video with a Klansman being drowned in a lake.

20:36 – Wood Renewal for the coffin/bed machine

23:54 – Leak detection machines

25:47 – Why did you hang up earlier?
…32:46 – Matt calls back, doesn’t last long

27:44 – Library reference desk call

35:50 – Metal guy wraps the phone in a food wrapper.

37:30 – Big fat sheet metal Brian

43:20 – Shoe wars 1
… 45:37 – Shoe wars 2
… 46:09 – Shoe wars 3 (3 Lies)

50:12 – Stupid liquor joke

51:04 – China Wok #1 (Placing order)
… 59:30 – China Wok #2 (Canceling order)
… 01:00:19 – Really angry Chinese chef gets involved
… 01:02:36 – China Wok #3 (Trying to ‘wok’ things out)
… 01:13:57 – China Wok #4
… 01:18:18 – Connecting a random Italian restaurant with China Wok
… 01:19:06 – Placing a second order
… 01:34:18 – China Wok #5 (Canceling second order)

54:23 – Irate about the apartment complex

01:07:50 – The worst buffet in town

01:08:47 – Joe White calls the pendeja and the bodega
… 01:09:22 – Calling the bodega again

01:10:27 – Charging 30% to cash a check
… 01:13:15 – Calling back for the check cashing employees info

01:22:00 – Puerto Rican at the haricut place is disguting

01:23:40 – Haircut for a competition

01:32:00 – Ordering chicken tenders, hold everything

Do Not Cross Any Wires! – 9/24/13


Carlito is in an elevator shaft again, this time he is crossing wires to make it go. Upside-down faxes are ruining Carlito’s day. We call back the nun from last week, this time we are shoving bananas up asses. Matt is calling about shoving pecans up asses as well. Ordering funeral flower arrangements for living persons is the new thing.

Show Notes:

8:27 – Carlito likes to smell bus seats and break sandwich cookies on metal bus stop seats before eating them.

11:42 – Matt calling Jessie’s restaurant for Mr. Ventura
…12:41 – Carlito calls back, is told it doesn’t matter if this is a female owned restaurant.

14:48 – Matt calling Steel Magnolia restaurant for whale meat.

16:58 – King’s grill, Carlito explains to the waitress that he would kick Jesus’s ass if he came back.
… 18:14 – Matt calls back, waitress tells him to fuck himself.

19:08 – Carlito talks down to the woman who answers the phone at the law office, complains about upside-down faxes.
… 21:12 – Carlito connects a computer repair place to complain more about the upside-down faxes and fires everbody
… 22:06 – Carlito calls back once he figures out the fax machine problem machine.

29:03 – Calling to talk to the lady at the Big & Tall store.
… 31:13 – Calling a different Big & Tall store whilst stuffing his face with food.

37:40 – A new elevator call, this time Carlito is in the elevator shaft crossing wires trying to make it go.
… 44:20 – Carlito calls back and fixes the elevator on his own.

48:27 – Matt calls about pecan anal beads.

50:45 – Carlito wants to wipe his ass with the local paper, but the lady there can’t get over being called Big Girl.

52:23 – Big Marie checks for pecans at the Dollar Store.

54:24 – The big fat bastard at the BBQ place.

56:59 – Voicemail from the lost ring prank from 2 weeks ago

59:40 – Why you call so much?

1:05:11 – Mussels are the Kmart Clam.

1:12:28 – Calling the nun back from last week, this time we are shoving bananas up Matt’s ass.

1:17:52 – AAfordable plumbing

1:22:10 – Matt calling to order a mysterious space plant, then Carlito reveals he has him tied up and makes him watch him do sexual dances while shaving plums.

1:24:50 – Sending funeral flowers to a cheating wife.
…1:25:51 – Carlito calls back to complain to the boss.

1:30:27 – Stupid call about fasteners.


The Computer Does Not Go – 9/17/13

haggarUnited Water Machines is tring to track down their employee Jesus, An elevator machine is stuck and Carlito is trying to climb out via the elevator shaft. We call shelters and soup kitchens.

Show Notes:

4:52 – Did Jesus deliver the water at the wheelchair machines today?
… 6:28 – Matt joins in as Carlito insults the wheelchair lady.
… 7:12 – We call back, she just stares at the phone.
… 7:36 – Finally we get to ask a man about the water delivery
… 9:12 – Matt takes a stab at the guy.

11:46 – Elevator machine won’t go, what’s a pound key.
… 16:00 – A different person tries to help with the elevator machine.

27:46 – The computer does not go. (Star Trek: TNG reference)
..31:14 – Computer still does not go.

35:18 – Church or YMCA? (Matt)
… 35:56 – Carlito apologizes for Matt

39:25 – Looking for a shelter where you can watch other men showering.
… 40:01 – Matt complains about the uppity woman. Says his pussy lips hurt.

43:02 – Talking rudely to the soup kitchen bookkeeper
… 43:47 – Nun at the soup kitchen #1
… 45:52 – Calling the soup kitchen thrift shop to complain abot the nun.
… 46:34 – Nun at the soup kitchen #2
… 47:24 – Calling someone else about the witch nun.

48:50 – Thank God that this is a white doctor.

51:02 – Vietnamese restaurant (Matt)
… 52:32 – Carlito calls the frantic Vietnamese woman back

57:22 – Haggar was fighting in front of a building

1:01:46 – Matt is trying to get connected

1:07:09 – Calling the effeminate magician man.

1:11:24 – Matt is looking to make a custom fleshlight with a fake halloween severed arm.

1:13:48 – Putting special weed butter on a Subway sandwich.

1:17:43 – Calling the neighbors to see if they want weed butter sandwiches

Get Them Out of Your Ass – 9/12/13

free=pokemonCarlito is running several scams out of a tire and lube place. Mexicans at the Malaka store don’t care for prejudice. People responding to an ad for free Pokemon cards are told to fuck off. Jimmy Custard puts his own spin on the old dreidel song.

Fusion Pranks – 9/10/13


Carlito experiments with playing audio from a YouTube food review while calling McDonalds.  He then curses at a bakery worker for no reason.  Matt is coming in his wheelchair machine to work at the pizza machine.  Carlito mixes Indian with Puerto Rican and comes up with the Maricon call.

Are You Plank Call? – 9/3/13


Erotic cake deliveries aren’t appropriate for the church.  We cancel a Chinese food order after it has already been prepared to the chagrin of the restaurant owner.  Carlito commands a receptionist to put one of the law partners on the phone.  Why do thrift stores always smell like piss and flies?  A doctor is flabbergasted by Carlito’s phone antics.  Hot ham water costs $1.08 per cup.  A dollar store manager refuses to believe that her employees are smoking marijuana cigarettes.


The Stupid Baby Fund – 8/30/13

salad-oil-1-gallonA store manager is going to have a stupid baby.  Carlito is not having any luck trying to buy a gallon of cooking oil for Chinese take-out.  A sushi place will not take Carlito’s order due to his voice tone.  Baz was exposed to wanking at the Wankers Bar.  We talk to Jaws from the James Bond movies.  We are calling back the spring factory for spring grease.

God Thank Bless – 8/27/13

black-churchCarlito demonstrates his God bless you test with several churches.  We recruit the guy at the American Legion to infiltrate the Freemasons.  Angel trumpet tea will really fuck you up. Greek key party at the Greek church. Carlito calls the help desk after he intentionally broke a cash register.  An employee revolt is threatening to publically embarass a restaurant manager.

Special Kiss – 8/22/13


RBCP sends in a new twitter complainer for us to call.  Michael has one of his high school friends prank call the pizza machine that he works at.  Carlito calls trying to find out if his girl friend was at the theater giving a special kiss.  Carlito is calling black muslims again.  Mr. Wu sold us cheap counterfit springs that are now failing.

Cowan – 8/20/13

Dialer joins Carlito for some daytime pranks.  Carlito is watching loud porno stuffing his face with food while applying for work this week.  Lucy is calling on behalf of her son who overslept and missed a job fair.  Speaking nonsense about a driving job leads to a bunch of confusion on the phone.cowan_tn_city_limits_sign_t_shirt

That’s Disgusting People – 8/15/13


A man is upset his Asian neighbor was asking him for $5 to contribute towards a neighborhood sign.  Carlito is complaining that a consulting company embarassed him in front of clients at a Japanese steakhouse.  A Chinese girl won’t tell us what Chinese people really eat at home.  Rude calls to disgusting people.


Calling From the Toilet Machine – 8/13/13

Today Carlito is calling to schedule job interviews from the toilet.cell-phones-bathroom

Shh, I’m Wearing a Skirt – 8/8/13

sharon-needles-shhLTM joins us for the first time after coming home from therapy.  Carlito has a grocery store position he’s hiring for – sub-humans need not apply.  We call a drunk man about his truck and snow plow for sale.   We call a different Turkish place to complain about Faizan the Haiwan.  Zolar joins us for some hotel calls.

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